Trip From Tartarus
by Goddess of Torment
Summary: Gabrielle endures a series of particularly unpleasant events.


Title: Trip From Tartarus

Author: Annie B.

Rating: T – some mild language.

Disclaimer: The author does not own Xena or her friends. They all belong to RenPics. The story itself is based both on events which I have endured while traveling with my sons, and also by another story from another fandom which I cannot for the life of me remember who wrote. :P

Author's note: Kids can be such inspiration at times, and my sons are no exception. Even on short trips, they can do things, which drive even the most patient person insane. This story is loosely based on one trip in particular… and yes; they DID do that thing with the spider.

The day was bright and I was looking forward to actually riding on this trip instead of walking all the time, like I normally do. One of the villages surrounding King Cleades' kingdom had been raided by a band of thugs and we had rented a cart to bring supplies to help them get through the winter at the king's request. Meg and Joxer are coming along as well. They wanted to see their 'son' again, even though King Cleades was never their child.

Meg wanted to ride up front and even pretended to be sick, but Xena pulled rank, so both Meg and Joxer were riding in the back. I leaned back, fully intending to enjoy this journey, and smiled as I watched the scenery go by. The village was over 30 miles away, but we'd make it there before the sun set.

We pulled out of the village and were just starting along the road when they started. Or rather SHE started. And of course HE had to join in. Damn. So much for a nice peaceful trip. I tried to ignore the raunchy version of Joxer's tune that Meg and the other wenches had thought up, but it was slowly getting to me. Sort of like that one little rock that keeps digging into your back all night long, regardless of where you put your bedroll. I looked at Xena, hoping she would say something to shut them up, but it was obvious that she was blissfully unaware of the annoying song being sung loudly right behind her. She had stuffed cotton in her ears. Great. Just great. After the umpteenth time of hearing the SAME lyrics I was actually hoping that they would sing the version that Joxer came up with. At least it would add a little variety. I sighed and slumped down in my seat. I refused to say anything, knowing full well that this was just one of Meg's stupid little games.

When the silence came, it actually took me a few minutes to realize it. I wondered what had happened and thought perhaps Joxer had finally gotten fed up and made her stop. I didn't want to think of HOW he got her to stop. I was just thankful that it HAD stopped. I smiled and began to admire the scenery again. After several minutes of silence, I began to wonder what was going on in the back. I really didn't want to look back… I REALLY didn't want to look back! I crossed my arms and forced myself to look everywhere BUT the back of the wagon…

I couldn't stand it any longer and glanced back.

**_BIG _**mistake!

Joxer was watching the scenery and occasionally reaching out to grab a leaf off a low branch. But Meg was looking directly at me.

"Are we there yet?" she asked.

I laughed and shook my head. "No, of course not."

Then it hit me. This was another stupid game designed to annoy me. Damn.

By this time Xena had taken the cotton out of her ears. She must have known they had stopped singing. Damn her. Why couldn't she have given ME some cotton too? I'm going to have to have a little chat with the Warrior Princess!

"We'll be there in a few hours," Xena replied.

"I've gotta go," Meg whined.

"Well, you should have gone before we left," I tried to joke.

"And I'm hungry, too," Meg whined again. Louder this time.

Damn. She HAD to mention food, didn't she? I closed my eyes, hoping that he hadn't heard.

"Actually, I'm a little hungry too," Joxer added.

I swear to Zeus, this was the LAST trip we were taking together! Joxer was a walking eating machine! He'd eat all day if we let him.

"We're NOT going to … " I started, but Xena cut me off.

"There's a small village up ahead. We'll stop there and get something to eat."

Damn her! She was making it worse. I am REALLY going to have a little chat with her after this is all over. I sighed. So much for a nice relaxing trip. I'd almost rather be walking behind Argo when she had gas.

"Fine. Great," I responded.

Xena pulled the wagon over to the side of the road, next to a small tavern and we had barely stopped when Meg and Joxer were inside and waving down a barmaid. I seriously considered sitting at another table, but as I glanced around, I realized there WERE no other tables. I was stuck with the wench and the wannabe warrior. I sighed again. Wonderful.

They were still eating after Xena and I had both finished and was paying the bill. My jaw hit the floor when the barmaid told me our bill.

"HOW much?" I gasped and looked around for Xena. I turned around just in time to see the door closing behind her as she left the building, leaving ME with the bill. Thanks a lot, warrior bitch. I frantically dug around in my pouch, hoping I had enough to cover it.

"50 dinars," she said again. "That's for the two plates of roast lamb that you and her sister had," she nodded towards Meg, "and the rest is for the food your other two friends ate. We had to butcher an extra goat just for them! If you don't mind my saying so, I've NEVER seen anyone eat so much at one sitting before!"

I nodded grimly and managed to find the money to cover the bill. I almost wish I hadn't. I might have been able to leave Meg and Joxer there to pay for their share by washing dishes for the next week. The thought was certainly appealing and I almost hesitated at handing over the money, but I knew I'd probably never hear the end of it for the rest of the trip from Xena. I sighed and turned around to glare at the two gluttons as they finished off their ale and scraped the last bit of food from their plates. They started to look around for the barmaid, obviously hoping to get more, but I hurried over to them before they caught her attention.

"It's time to go," I announced.

"Awwww," they whined in unison. "But we're still hungry!"

I swear they had practiced it. I bit my tongue to keep myself from saying some rather nasty words and just herded them back to the wagon, which Xena had untied and made ready to go.

Meg hopped into the front seat and I glared at her. She tried to ignore me, until I climbed up and leaned in front of her. After traveling with Xena for so long, I had plenty of time to learn that 'Look' that she used. I used that 'Look' now. It might not have been as good as Xena's, but it was certainly effective against Meg. She ducked her head and climbed into the back with Joxer again, mumbling something that sounded close to "sorry." I allowed myself a small smirk as I settled in next to Xena again. This time the Warrior Princess didn't put cotton in her ears, so I knew Meg wouldn't dare try to sing again.

No… she didn't sing. She belched.

I knew that Meg could out-belch a drunken warlord, but I had NO idea that she could belch Sappho's Hymn to Aphrodite! And what's worse…. Joxer was belching in harmony! Oh dear Hades, take me now! I glanced over at Xena and found some small measure of comfort in knowing that she, too, was irritated at the great belching chorus. Served her right. After all, SHE was the one who decided to stop and let them gorge themselves on rich foods and ale! I almost expected to see the Goddess of Love appear to put an end to the sacrilegious noise, but she was probably too busy with her male harem.

Thankfully, after another five miles of belching every last Homeric Hymn they could think of, they finally stopped. I breathed a sigh of relief and dared to think that surely we could enjoy the journey now.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

At first I didn't notice it. But then the hushed voices in the back raised my interest. I wasn't about to look back though. Let them do whatever they wanted. I didn't care.

"Ow!"

It was Joxer.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

Xena obviously was just as curious as I was.

"What's going on back there?" she looked back briefly.

I turned around as well. Joxer was rubbing his thigh. Meg had an innocent expression on her face. Right. Innocent my ass! That look was about as fake as one of Ares smiles.

"Nothing," she smiled sweetly.

How I would LOVE to wipe that smirk off the little bitch's face. I looked at Joxer.

"Joxer?" I asked.

Joxer glanced at Meg cautiously.

"Nothing," he answered slowly.

I glared at the two of them for a moment longer, then sighed and shook my head. If the idiot wouldn't come clean, then he deserved whatever it was that she was doing to him.

It was quiet for a few more minutes. Then….

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow." Joxer whimpered.

"Well, if you didn't look, then it wouldn't happen," Meg hissed.

That caught my attention. Xena's too. She stopped the cart and turned around. I smirked when I saw the expression on her face. It was THE look. A warm feeling of satisfaction spread throughout my body as I watched Meg wilt under that glare.

"Alright! What's going on?" she demanded.

Meg pretended to look interested in a small ant crawling over the various sacks of dry goods in the cart. Joxer glanced at her, then back to Xena.

"Well… we're playing a game," he mumbled.

Xena raised an eyebrow. "A game? What KIND of game?"

Meg appeared to be engrossed in the little ant.

Joxer hesitated but I knew he couldn't resist Xena's gaze for long. I was right. After a few moments he explained.

"Uh… well," he cleared his throat, "Meg and I look at each others face and do something with our hands below our waists. And we aren't supposed to look down. The first person to look down loses and the other person gets to hit them. Meg's REALLY good at it!" He finished with a grin.

"Yeah, and you're really BAD at it, ya squealer!" Meg snapped.

Xena growled in frustration and I could tell it was taking everything she had not to run her sword through them both.

"Joxer, why don't you just close your eyes then?" she asked in exasperation.

Joxer rolled his eyes, as though the answer should be OBVIOUS. "Because you CAN'T. You have to look at the other person's face! That's the rule."

Xena muttered something incomprehensible and spun around. We began to move again. I guess Meg decided not to push her luck, because I couldn't hear Joxer anymore. In fact… I couldn't hear ANYTHING. I was NOT going to turn around. I was going to enjoy the ride and NOT wonder what was going on behind me.

I strained to hear something… ANYTHING… but nothing. Not even a whisper.

I moved my body so I could look at the passing landscape easier, but I still had to wonder what she was doing. I tried to think of a pleasant childhood memory, but my mind continued to drift back to Meg and I wondered what she was doing now. I casually twisted in my seat so that I was looking towards Xena and tried to discretely glance back at Meg.

Damn.

She was looking at me and she had a huge grin on her face. She was up to something, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out WHAT. My curiousity was going to get me into trouble again, I just knew it, but I couldn't resist looking back further to see what was going on.

**_BIG _**mistake… again.

She was holding a stick up as though she was fishing. It took me a moment to realize what was on the END of that stick. The biggest, fattest, meanest looking spider I had ever seen! And she was holding it RIGHT over my head!

I swung at the twig, hoping to knock the creature away, but she just raised the stick higher, out of my reach.

"Knock it off, Meg!" I growled, but she continued to taunt me.

I looked at Xena, hoping for some help, but she obviously had more will power than I had, and was keeping her eyes focused on the road. I turned back to Meg who had allowed the stick to drop so that the spider was able to reach out and touch my hair.

Something in me snapped and I reached up quickly and snatched the stick out of her hand. I resisted the urge to shove the damn thing, spider and all, into a certain orifice, but I decided to throw the thing away. It would have been inhumane to subject the spider to THAT kind of torture.

"Okay, what do you want, Meg?" As if I didn't already know.

"Front seat," she answered promptly. The tramp had this planned all along! Bitch!

"Fine. Xena, stop the wagon," I demanded.

Xena finally tore her eyes away from the road and looked at me. "What?"

I growled in frustration. "Stop the wagon." I snapped.

She raised that damn eyebrow of hers at me and pulled the reins back. The wagon came to a stop and I turned around to climb into the back. Meg saw me coming and actually jumped off the wagon. I guess she figured I was going to throttle her. She might have been right. I was well beyond being angry with her.

I glared at Meg. "Fine. But I just want you to know one thing."

Meg hesitantly climbed into the front with Xena, watching me closely the whole time. "What's that?" she asked.

I leaned in close so that I was only a few inches away from her. I held up my hand and made a space between my thumb and my forefinger. "I just want you know you are about THIS close…" I snarled at her and didn't finish the sentence.

She gulped audibly and turned around without responding.

Joxer had watched all this soundlessly. At least he had sense enough to shut up. I tried to get comfortable on the sacks of grain and other assorted foods we were transporting and sighed. I moved a sack so that I could recline, but as I leaned back my head flopped back. I closed my eyes and prayed to whatever gods were listening to put me out of my misery now. But they were probably sitting back and having a good laugh right about now.

Great.

Just perfect.

It was then that I felt it. Something nudged the back of my head. I opened my eyes and saw that Joxer had put his arm behind my head. My lip curled up and I was ready to lash into him for DARING to try anything. Then I looked at his face and realized he was being sincere. I cautiously lifted my head and he slid his arm under it. At least it was better than enduring the uncomfortable sacks of grain.

I glanced towards the front and saw Meg put her hands behind her head and her feet up on the board in front of her. Sure didn't take HER long to get comfortable.

A few minutes later the wagon slowed and came to a stop.

"What's going on?" Meg asked, looking around.

"We're here," Xena answered, as she tied off the reins and jumped down.

"AWWWWW!" Meg whined. "That's not fair!"

I grinned as she spun around in her seat to glare at me. "I told you we were that close… I just didn't say that close to WHAT!"

Xena and Joxer laughed and Meg spun around and slumped down and put on what I'm sure was the biggest Meg-pout ever.

I didn't care.

Payback is a bitch.


End file.
